A perspective by Nick Benotto
When I was a little kid, friends were everywhere. From the time I woke up until my parents put
me to bed, I pretty much had friends around me (even as an only child.)
No one tells you that it won’t always be that way. And because no one tells you, you might think
that it’s only you that has periods of life where you feel like you have no friends. It’s not you.
It’s all of us.
The early years are easy
Let’s go back in time for a minute. When you were a kid (and I’ll say from toddler years through
fifth or sixth grade in particular), friends were everywhere. Your whole life was set up for
interaction with other kids your age, whether it was at daycare, school, clubs, athletics or even
in your own neighborhood. It would have been hard to NOT have friends during that time of life.
I still remember the friendships I formed at pre-school. At my elementary school. At summer
camp. The list is almost endless. Days upon days of carefree fun. If one kid wasn’t home, no
worries, another kid was. There seemed to be an endless supply of friends around and you
might have thought (as I did) that it would always be this way.
But then in middle school, cliques form, which can diminish your volume of friends. But it’s
usually not that big of a deal because you still have enough friends to do things with. At this
point, you’re likely still oblivious to the possibility that there could be a time in your life where
friendships are hard to find. Then when high school hits, you’ve probably settled into your own
friend groups and the friend-filled years continue to pass along. You may even have different
friend groups based on interests: my basketball friends, my choir friends, my neighborhood
friends, etc. Life is good.
College
Although not everyone goes to college, let’s assume you did. College can be tricky. Did you go
far away from home and board at the college? If yes, friendships can either be everywhere (so
much so that your grades could suffer) or they can be problematic. A lot of it depends on your
personality type (extrovert, introvert or somewhere in the middle.) I know friends who hated
living away at college, found it difficult to make friends, felt very lonely despite having access to
a ton of kids their age, and ended up leaving. (And most of them never regretted leaving.) Yet
other kids I know made friends in college easily and felt confident that these college friends
would be lifelong friends.
Like I said, it’s tricky. But usually you are still OK on the friend front through your college years.
Twentysomethings (and beyond)
OK, here I don’t mean to generalize (I know everyone is different) but overall, friendships can
get a little spotty once you’re out of college (or once you hit your 20s regardless of college
status.).
- College friends have scattered, either going back home (which may not be near you) or
taking a job across the country. Keeping up by text or social media is not the same and
we all know it. - If you moved back home after college, chances are your old friend groups (neighborhood friends, high school friends, etc.) are no longer there. They may have decided to stay wherever their college was, or jobs or relationships took them somewhere else. Some have married and that’s a whole separate vibe. Consider yourself lucky if you can find one or two friends to even occasionally meet up with.
- If you were one of those college grads who took a job in a new town, you are starting from scratch and it can be h-a-r-d. Like really hard. And don’t count on your workplace to be a beehive of similar twentysomethings alive with friend possibilities. It usually isn’t. And there can be other reasons why you may not want to become best buds with the people at work (that is a topic for another blog.)
Around this point, you may start to grapple with needing to do something you never even
dreamed of: figuring out how to find and make friends. That’s pretty much where I am right now,
although I have had a few successes recently and I feel like I am moving past this period (for
now, at least.)
From this point forward, I’m going to summarize the advice I’ve gotten about friendships. So far,
I think it’s been helpful to me and I hope it will be helpful to you, too.
Top five ways to make those friends
Here’s the advice I’ve been given. I will list it all out and comment on what I think has worked
for me (or others I know.) You may immediately hate some of this advice and that’s fine. But
maybe it gives you ideas.
Become a regular at your local coffee shop. If you have flexible working arrangements, bring
your laptop and go there every week – same day, same time. That lets you get to know the
people there at that specific time – both the workers and the other regulars. First you start
casually chatting, nothing big at all. How cold the weather is, how great the coffee is, whatever.
The thought here is that camaraderie will build up (and by chatting you will find things or
interests that you have in common) and that can lead to a nice friendship.
Believe it or not, this has worked for me (my day was Sundays). I met a buddy who loves cars
like I do. One day we got there at the same time and I saw his car. A gorgeous blue Mustang.
That was really all it took. We talked about cars from then on and now we meet up pretty
regularly. Nice guy.
Take classes (in person). Interested in auto mechanics? Want to improve your golf swing?
There’s a class for that. A ton of family members have told me to take a class (but it needs to be
in person – none of that online stuff.)
Honestly, this isn’t for me and I never did it. But I pass this along because all my “advisors” were
very passionate about how well this works. My aunt made a very good friend by taking a golf
class. Both she and her friend took the class to meet guys. That didn’t happen but at least they
met each other (and made a good friend to go out to clubs with.)
Join a gym – and then go to it. The reasoning here is that you will already have something in
common – working out. I did this but I never made friends with anyone. I thought most guys like
me were just there to work out (some very seriously) and I felt awkward. But I must admit I did
not go that often and I was not on any kind of schedule. On the flip side, my mom’s friend met
her husband at the gym. So the jury is out on this one.
Pick an interest and join a club. This is similar to but different from taking a class. A class can
be pretty passive and very structured. But joining a club means you are signing up to do actual
things with other people – out in the wild, so to speak. My dad was a runner for many years and
joined a local running club. He really enjoyed it and met a ton of people that he became friendly
with. My cousin joined a softball team and now he and those guys are all really good friends.
Volunteer. I will say up front that I never did this and don’t have any plans to. But I list it
because I know my older relatives have volunteered for lots of different causes and have met
really nice people. I am sure of this because some of them have appeared at the Benotto family dinner table on Sundays. (By the way, it’s not easy sometimes for older people to make friends, too.)
So there are my top five tips for making friends. I think the most important thing throughout it all
is to be yourself. Don’t try to force anything and if something feels awkward, just accept that
and move on. We are all trying to find our tribe out there. Good luck to each of us.
How have you been successful at making new friends? Would love to get your comments in the section below.
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